I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
