I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
