Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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