Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize