mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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