On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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