dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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