...so i touched it.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
