Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
