i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
