Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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