His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
