i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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