now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
