You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
