my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
