I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize