I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
