Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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