Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
