My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
