She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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