OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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