Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
