Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
