You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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