what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
