I look better un-naked...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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