I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
