There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
