she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
