Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
