I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
