Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
