and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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