In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
