maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
