I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
