Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
