Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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