that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
