Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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