A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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