Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
