it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
