Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
