I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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