drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
