Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i permit you to call me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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