I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Slut skills are useful in every country.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
