The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
