May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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