I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
